apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
