i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
