Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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