I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
oh god was she eating orange peels again
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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