we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
