i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
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