The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
