If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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