the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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