I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Randomize
