My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
