we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
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