Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Someone signed my nipple.
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