Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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