Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
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