A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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