She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
