i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
