I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
