people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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