Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize