oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
