Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
