Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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