I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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