You don't have asthma, your pregnant
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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