Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
