dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He passed out mid-signature
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Randomize
