She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
