So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize