That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize