my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
