I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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