No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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