There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
