I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
