Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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