I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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