Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
