first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
thus making me awesome and them whores
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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