the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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