I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
