I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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