Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
