I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
