i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
