Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
