rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
