in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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