You just made me feel so damn special
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
