i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
No stitches, just platelets and will power
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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