just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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