I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
