new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
