He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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