i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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