I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize