Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
