last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
