Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
