Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
