My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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