4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
We have so much sex to catch up on
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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