my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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