he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
