You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
