dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
