Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
