you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
