I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize