He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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