So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize